i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
