How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
