Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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