She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
