You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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