So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
