You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
