my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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