I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
