I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
