I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
