dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
