the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
