I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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