he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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