i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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