and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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