I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
