I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
