so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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