According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
