Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
this boner is exhausting
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize