the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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