I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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