I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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