How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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