I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
