Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
