I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
