I puked a lego.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize