are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
