i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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