So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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