My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
