Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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