This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize