based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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