we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
