not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
