I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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