His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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