I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
