Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
