tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
