I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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