Betty ford says i'm here all night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize