addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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