this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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