I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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