I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
