my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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