It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
