Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
