when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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