I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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