you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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