his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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