I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
