Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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