its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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