i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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