I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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