She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
