I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
