You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i already hear my dad disowning me
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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